You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
