Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
