True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
