I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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