I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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