there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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