I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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