he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
