He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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