If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
are you so shy because you have an std?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
