I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
