i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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