HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
