just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You're like the curious george of whores
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
