By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
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You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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