I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
