Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
