Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
