How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
