I just made out with a guy for $7.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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