My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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