just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
