I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
