...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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