we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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