Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
