We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
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i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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