Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
