we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
