I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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