no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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