your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
