our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
