not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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