It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
