I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
