So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
