hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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