My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
