No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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