suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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