Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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