remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
