nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize