the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
