Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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