Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I touched a dick in church today
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
