When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
