i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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