theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
