my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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