Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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