Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
