I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
