u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
