If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've blown a few things in my day
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
