Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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