i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
