The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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