If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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