Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
