You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
